One Month

It's now been one month since we started fighting leukemia again. This last month has been very hard on both Tim and I. The effects of the chemotherapy have been just awful. Tim has spent the majority of the last month in a great deal of pain. The pain has been bad enough to keep him awake at night and make moving around a nightmare. When he hasn't been in pain, he's been doped to the point of incoherence. As hard as it was for me to watch Tim be in such pain, the loopiness from the morphine he's on now is just as bad. He sleeps most of the time. He is unable to follow or remember a conversation. He shakes so bad that he has difficulty doing anything with his hands. His balance is also somewhat suspect.

I know that Tim is tired of being sick. It is so hard to know that we are only at the start of this journey. If the first month is this bad, how much worse will it get? The hours at the hospital have been longer than we hoped. I am extremely tired of spending hours in an uncomfortable chair waiting for doctors or nurses or test results. I don't dare leave because every time I do, I miss an important decision or something gets forgotten or goes wrong.

It has been a bad week to end a bad month. I want to believe that things will turn around soon, but I'm having a hard time having any faith that things will get better.